Stop Telling Women To Stop Apologizing
Women are not too meek. They’re not too nice. They just know the penalties for women who act like men at work.
Professional advice to women often includes:
Stop apologizing so much.
Stop saying things like “Just checking back” when you mean “Please reply promptly with an ETA.”
Stop prefacing your ideas with “This may be an awful idea, but…”
When I see simplistic posts like this for #InternationalWomensDay or #WomensHistoryMonth, I get pretty annoyed.
What this advice lacks is a deep understanding of the forces that foster the above behaviors, and penalize women who work from a more empowered place.
Non-threatening approaches like those listed above can be the trojan horses through which some female managers avoid intense, negative reactions and actually just get shit done.
When women are in their power - not apologizing, acting small, or prefacing their ideas with caveats - something else happens. Some people (male or female) will get triggered. Like, really triggered.
Here’s what female managers might deal with when they abandon a softer approach and get direct and empowered:
Some staff and colleagues are going to project onto you. You’ll become a bullseye for any internalized misogyny or unconscious gender bias floating in your professional ether.
You’ll receive more defensive or antagonistic replies to straightforward requests. That slows down and complicates otherwise simple situations.
Your clear directives and assertive behaviors will rankle some folks much more so than if they came from a man. Staff or colleagues might be more likely to label you as “aggressive” while your male colleagues are “strong leaders.”
You’ll be seen as less likable. For women, that’s a big problem - because the data shows that, far more often than men, we’re hired if we seem likable and focused on harmony.
It sucks. It soaks up time, energy, optimism, and head space. Many female managers may feel like they have two options:
Consciously or unconsciously kowtow to the path-of-least-resistance that is a softer approach. (And be well-liked and effective but underestimated, told that you’re not assertive enough, or that you lack exec presence.)
Or, act from a place of confidence and power, and hope that your work and outcomes will be so beyond reproach that your career can withstand the penalties you’ll likely face from your staff, colleagues, and bosses.
Female managers need honesty and support when working through these challenges.
To be clear: I don’t want women to be afraid to be clear or direct. It feels great and it’s generally better leadership. But if you encourage a woman to be more confident and assertive without advising on the new challenges and complicated dynamics she might encounter, you’re leaving out some very key information.
Female managers need honest and experienced coaches, mentors, advocates, friends, and cheerleaders as they face these issues and learn to navigate these dynamics.
Rather than criticizing and correcting women for the adaptive behaviors that keep them employed, we need to get really honest about the penalties they might face for acting assertively in the workplace. And help them lead with confidence, anyway.
I mean, I don’t know. Maybe this post was a terrible idea. I’m so sorry for taking up your time. Whatever you think is best. Just wanted to get your thoughts.